So now, courtesy of Fark and Digg, I bring you headlines and subheads that you don't need to read the articles to enjoy (unless your wife asks you followup questions about those pesky things called "details").
Clickable if you really want to read them, but the headline and abstract are enough to give you the stuff you need:
The substance that Manny Ramirez was banned for was, indeed, a performance-enhancing substance, but not for the performance you're thinking of. Bow-chicka-bow-bow
Man buys old ledger filled with formulas for $200 at antique store, discovers it contains the original formula for the Dr. Pepper soft drink and is expected to sell between $50,000 - $75,000>
eBay Fakes Devalue the Craft of Tomb Robbing "According to an article on Archaeology, fake artifacts being sold on eBay have caused the bottom to drop out of the low-end artifact market. This outcome is exactly opposite to what archeologists feared would happen when eBay came on the scene. A side effect of more and more forgers getting in on the act has been a dramatic increase in high-quality fakes that can fool experts and illicit collectors alike, lowering the price for high-end artifacts as well. It's a lot less cost-effective to go tomb raiding than to make your own fakes, especially since selling fake artifacts isn't really illegal."
Texas campuses may allow students to carry concealed weapons Determined not to allow a repeat of the Virginia Tech massacre in Texas, sponsors of the bill insist that allowing responsible students and professors to secretly carry their weapons might deter a potential gunman from attacking a campus -- or stop one who decides to open fire.
"Louie Louie" Singer Not Seeing a Dime from the Song Jack Ely, the singer whose 1963 version of "Louie Louie" still makes the rounds on oldies radio, lives with his wife in a mobile home on a horse ranch in Oregon. Ely says they share $30,000 a year from her teacher's pension and his Social Security checks
NO JOKE - Sugar Ray to Reunite, Release New Album
"[Officer] Kessel noticed that Clower's eyes were 'glassy'. Clower, in fact, has a glass eye"
Dying gamer tried to write killer's name in own blood. Will probably get him after he respawns
Make-A-Wish grants 6-year-old Florida girl her wish -- not to be a Disney princess as one might expect, but to meet rocker Ted Nugent
This is how you would consume the internet too if your Google Reader looked like this: